this is a personal journal page that is probably interesting to no one besides me! oldest entries at the bottom, newest at the top. very sporadic updates, but each entry is dated. all entries from before 2024 are adapted and transferred from my old diary page!

April 12th

time

listening to: hi-fi girl HD (kagomeP feat rin)

every time i've slept for the past, i don't know, week? whether it's at night or in naps, i have all kinds of horrific nightmares. some of them are just stressful, and i wake up more exhausted than when i fell asleep. and some of them, like the one inflicted on me by my subconscious earlier, are outright terrifying. i'm even afraid to talk about it out loud, because no matter how silly or unlikely it might feel, dreaming about getting cancer (skin cancer, specifically) isn't one i want to risk coming true. i remember the heartbreak i felt: i don't want to die. i've been planning and dreaming of all these things in my waking life, but in my dreams they're taken from me, and i know i'll lose them. if i die, i can't go back to college like i plan to this fall. i can't do all the translations and creative things i've been wanting to. i'm already mourning them.

but, mourning things i haven't even lost yet is something i'm very good at. as a child i'd sob, inconsolably, when the sun would set. everything felt overwhelmingly temporary and finite to me, and every moment gone was one i'd never get back. if i spent a day reading in bed, i would be thrown into a panic attack that evening for every precious minute i'd wasted. when i laugh with friends, i know it's brief and that i'll lose them somehow. i'm already filing it into my brain's scrapbook of memories to treasure. good things are wonderful, and disappear after i blink. bad things, suffocating and stressful things, scary things, etc are the default. for all i've been dreaming lately, the question of "will this last?" still remains. and i can't answer it yet. i don't know.

i can't imagine anything happening to serena or my mother, not without tears brimming my eyes and overwhelming anxiety. for all i want to live my own life and go to japan, i don't know if i can leave either of them behind. when good things are so brief, and life is so short, how can i stop myself from grieving?

October 22nd

the myth of "be yourself", toxic extroversion, and the standard person

listening to: white story (SHHis)

kind of an elaborate title, i don't know how deep i'll go on this honestly. but it's been on my mind lately, so i'll try and word it here as best i can. what's the standard person? a lot of the time when people talk about education, it's for the standard and average student that learns in (x) or (y) way. everything is neatly categorized and filed. and i guess for the kids that works for, that's fine, and it's the success stories that people talk about. but what about the kids who don't fit into categories and standards, and who fall (or are pushed, even) through the cracks?

i wasn't a normal kid. and i'm not a normal adult either! i just work differently from other people. even in the way that i learn, it's at a different pace and in a totally different way. i don't benefit from having a teacher, generally speaking. for something to click for me, i read about it and (if it's a skill, like math etc) apply it. then the reasoning makes sense and i get it, and i move on. i like reading long texts on websites and in books, and i don't need diagrams with them. examples can be helpful, but it's all about having the logic of it click in my brain. i move fast, and so i get bored fast. if i don't feel like i'm progressing or being challenged, it's frustrating to the extent that i may give up entirely. needless to say, i was an awful student.

and that gets me thinking about education standards, and who exactly they're made for. it's a one size fits all model, which in practice helps basically nobody. you provide for an average concept of the majority and in doing so anybody who isn't in that group can just go fuck themselves. when i talk about this, i'm told, "well, you're not most people. we're not talking about you, we're talking about the average student." but who is this average?? how can you fit human beings (notoriously contradictory and complex) into cookie cutter shapes? who are you trying to help, or teach?

it's true that i wasn't a normal kid. but not being normal doesn't mean that my experience is solely unique to me, and that's what people don't want to acknowledge, i think. because how can you teach in bulk a group that's that diverse in how they think and their strengths and weaknesses? how can you shuffle them neatly down the assembly line til they can be shipped off to working adulthood? you can't. so many of my classmates in middle school couldn't read properly and were clearly struggling, and they were sitting alongside me while i was bored out of my mind and doodling naked women in my notebook. one size fits all doesn't work, and it will never work, no matter how many adjustments you make to the broken system.

but american schools aren't meant to teach kids anything. that's the unwritten, unspoken part! it literally doesn't matter what you do or don't do academically, because the goal is to mold you into a standard adult. that's why they get all that shit about leadership and community involvement, PE is mandatory, and they have social events and pep rallies. any kids who can't blend in with their peers socially are bullied, viciously, and shunned. they always tell you to be yourself, right? don't be ashamed of who you are! your uniqueness is your strength! except that those are just nice words. there's an acceptable range, and as long as you fit somewhere inside, be yourself! go crazy!

for the kids who don't fit, they're punished for it. you can like the same things any child your age would, but if you like them in a "weird" way (too much, too sincerely), you're mocked and outcast. if you're too quiet, too awkward, too sensitive... if you're naive and you don't realize everyone is making fun of you but masking it in jokes and games. you become a target, and that's your fault for not blending in well enough. and no tolerance for bullying just means no tolerance for mentioning it out loud.

i'm rambling, but my frustration lies here: there are so many assumptions that go into how schools are run and standards for child development are penned. not every family or parent is trustworthy, either, so it upsets me when people make blanket statements about monitoring and restricting internet usage. that may be helpful if the child has friends at school (or otherwise irl) and their home situation is stable and nurturing. but that's an ideal, and that absolutely is not every child, or even most children. it's very very easy for a controlling parent to use these monitoring tools to further corner and abuse their child. when privacy is a privilege, what room do you have to be human, let alone grow into a functional adult?

the internet is a trainwreck and a dumpster fire these days, i agree. and that's why we should be giving kids and teens the resources and skills to make their own decisions and safety nets for when they make mistakes. it's more or less the same as sex ed, but i feel like this is even more controversial to say. the internet, much like the world, isn't easy or simple and has a lot of people and content that could hurt a developing person. so when that person is grown and the shackles are removed and they're just let loose onto the webscape, they have no tech literacy or etiquette or responsibility. why should they? they were never taught, because all peoplewant to do is hide children from things that can hurt them, and not teach the children how to avoid being hurt or fix things when they get bad.

but none of that matters when the world is run by extroverts, right? who cares?

September 4th

am i too ambitious?

listening to: the secret garden (yura hazuki)

i confuse the people around me i think, because one day i'll be full of hope and motivation to change my life, and then the next day i'll be in another exhaustion episode. and all the things i wanted and planned are then out the window. it's extremely frustrating, like daring to dream at all causes my body to go "woah, don't get so cocky" and knock me down about five pegs. it doesn't matter how much, how deeply, i want something, or how hard i try, because i always end up trapped in my bed for days afterward. i need to work and earn money somehow, but i don't know how if my energy levels are so unpredictable. no med seems to help either, and sleeping itself doesn't make it any better. i don't ever feel rested to begin with.

when all is said and done, i'm left wondering if i'm allowed to dream or want anything at all. maybe this really is the best i'll ever have. i know i can't take it for granted, but knowing that the things i want (desperately!) will always be so far out of reach depresses me. i have skills, too, but what's a skill worth if i'm in bed too much of the day to use it? they talk about the cards you're dealt in life, and i have plenty of others already. i can't remember about 95% of my childhood and early teens, my mother's voice lives in my head 24/7 with all kinds of things to say, due to circumstances and mental health i dropped out of school at age 14... and even if that weren't true, even if i'd had the fortitude to stick it through, both my parents work retail paycheck to paycheck. there's no way i'd ever be able to afford college.

i'm tired. not just physically, but mentally. i'm tired of disappointing myself over and over and over again. it's just not fair. if i don't get any irl social life, life experiences and opportunities, control over my circumstances, money to change things with, or a family with any financial ability to help me (or even just with their time)... what am i supposed to do? forget "where do i go", how do i even move at all? how do i get myself out of this stupid fucking cage? the wallpaper rotates with every place i live, but the bars never become any easier to fit through. i'm just forced to watch other people live their lives as human beings. why am i even here? not in an "grand scheme of the universe" sense, but me personally. why am i alive here, why do i get up in the morning? what am i doing, and why am i pushing forward? i don't like fate or religion, it doesn't give me any comfort. i just want to feel like i have any control at all over my own life and choices.

both of my attempts years ago were unsuccessful (i mean, i'm here typing this after all). and i wouldn't now, because a.) i don't want to be trapped in the hospital again and treated like a subhuman prisoner, and b.) i don't want to do that to my father (arguably the bigger reason here). so if i can't die, if that isn't an option, then how do i live? and how long will it take me to figure that out?

August 20th

gotta grow up eventually

listening to: secret mirage (reve pur)

it's been almost a month since my first entry here, and that's mostly because my friend was visiting for a full two weeks and i had no energy left for anything else. now that she's back home (and it was fun, don't get me wrong), i can recharge and figure out what the hell i'm doing here. i'm quitting social media for the time being, so my twitter's deleted, and the only places i still exist are discord, my friend's misskey for sickos, and pixiv i guess? i want to create and do things on my terms, without the pressure of an audience. so my thought is, i'll focus my efforts here as much as possible, so that my ramblings and whatever i might be making can still go somewhere. i want to have my silly things on the internet! i just don't want or care about popularity! it's really stressful!!

i guess i'm just really tired of leaving things up to circumstances. it's "easy" to throw my hands up and relinquish all control, it's also "easy" to assume my wants and needs are the same as the standard normal person. if it's normal to want this, why shouldn't i as well? maybe that's why i feel so empty, because i don't have this Normal Thing? but i've been realizing that it's all bullshit. i never understood or connected with my peers, throughout my childhood and teens and up to now, so why would that be any different in this case? i can't apply Normal Standards to myself if i'm not a normal person to begin with (i sure wish i was, though). and to be responsible, i have to actually reflect: what do i want and need? what do i prioritize in life? what's important to me, and how can i put that first? what would make me feel fulfilled right now?

the conclusion i keep coming to, over and over, is that social contact is fun and cool in small amounts, but that a small dose is enough and i don't need or want anything more. i don't need a romantic relationship at all at this point in my life. kid me insisted on using her time to practice skills that she valued: art, writing, japanese, etc. she was desperate to learn and absorb information. fundamentally, i don't think i've changed all that much! so, i'll do art, i'll write, i'll study for N2 (this december!), and i'll learn and explore things that are fun and exciting to me. current objective is to learn the basics of javascript, because i have this little website now and it might be neat to add extra features.

i have to stop treating myself like the recalled, defective model of a "normal" human being, and start empathizing with myself. like, cool, i'm not normal and will never be, i have completely different strengths and weaknesses and ways of experiencing the world. how can i make the most of that, in the limited time i have on earth (as a living creature)? i want to love what i love with all my might, and i won't ever apologize for that. i'm sick of it. i can't be anybody but me, i wouldn't even know how, and in that case i just have to be the best me i can be. i don't like myself, i don't really value myself, but maybe that'll come with time. for now, i want to listen to myself. i've got many more worthwhile things to say than i assumed all these years.

July 31st

working on it

coming back to new jersey (exactly two months ago) has been a really weird experience for me. not bad-weird, necessarily, although there's one specific county i will not go near anymore. those buildings and streets still show up in my nightmares! but the place itself isn't fully to blame for that, and the area i'm in now is genuinely nice. i'm extremely grateful to have this opportunity to be here. i'm just realizing how many years of my life my mother took from me, directly or indirectly. she planted that mold in me and it grew and spread throughout me til i could barely function or talk or express my own feelings. like, it's just kind of fucked up, you know? whatever circumstances you're born into, that's completely out of your control. you've just gotta roll with it and all the resulting childhood trauma.

so in a lot of ways, coming here is a kind of closure. full circle but i can finally see it from a different angle, now that i'm not shrinking under my mother's shadow. it's complicated and hard to talk about, because i don't want people to think i don't love her. i love my mother a lot!! i just don't like her as a person. i care about her, i want her to be healthy and safe and happy, but i don't want to be around her anymore if i have any choice. with her, i feel myself become a worse person. i fall into old habits, i don't communicate anything. how could i, when voicing my feelings (in the most neutral way) is a challenge or insult to her? everything is a passive aggressive jab, and an excuse to turn cold (or entirely silent, if she's upset enough).

i've never been able to figure out what she wants from me. and maybe that's just how it has to be. maybe i just have to live my own life to the best of my ability. she thinks she knows me better than anyone else, but throughout my life i never told her anything. i couldn't trust her. so any version of myself that exists in her head is more or less fiction. living my own life will be a struggle of course, because wherever i am or whatever i'm doing, she's right there in my head. i'm selfish, entitled, ungrateful, too spoiled to empathize with anyone around me. for several years now i thought i was straight up incapable of empathy, but as it turns out i'm pretty okay at it. i just don't do it in the way she expects or wants.

like, i dunno. i don't really understand any of it very well. her cheerful, charming voice that she puts on for strangers and customers immediately freezes over when she hangs up the phone, or walks away out of earshot. it's all this very practiced performance, with her analyzing phrasing and body language and concluding, "well, she said (x), but she actually meant (y)." how can you put those words in another person's mouth? maybe i'm naive, but i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. not everything is some 4D chess shit, a lot of human interactions are just people trying to convey information or connect with each other. so i want to treat them like fellow humans, with an understanding of "i'm only seeing 5% of the picture here." everybody has their own life and inner world that i'm not privy to whatsoever, their own mangled quilt of relationships and memories. why would i ever assume i knew the entire picture? how could i??

i'm rambling here. i guess what i want to say is, i have a lot of shit to unpack! there's this clusterfuck knot of trauma and extensive mental stress, funneled through the lens of a then-child brain and exacerbated by years and years of sleep deprivation (also during childhood, i started getting migraines at eleven for it. nobody questioned why the eleven year old kid was sleep deprived!). large chunks of it are completely inaccessible, and what's left is often buried in a thick haze. i have memories without any context whatsoever. i know i did (thing), but why? when? who was i with at the time? where was i? all of that is just missing, even though i remember (thing) itself and experiencing it. and now that i'm very nearly 25 (less than a week to go, woohoo), i have to grow up and deal with it. i can't pretend it doesn't exist anymore. the duct tape has worn too thin to hold it back. i just hope whatever it is doesn't break adult me too.

outside of that, i've been having sleep issues. the past week, every night i've slept between 2 and 6 hours at a time. more toward the lower end usually, and only ~20 minutes of it is ever deep sleep. so no wonder i wake up exhausted every time, right? and the exhaustion doesn't go away. i have to find some way to work through it so i can be productive and functional in my life. being stuck in bed gets so frustrating, i don't want to be trapped there anymore. hopefully when uli visits i'll be a little healthier. i don't want to waste her time that she's spending here.

will continue setting up this site, at least. i think it'll be helpful for me to have something to work on and mess with. i always wanted to have my own webpage as a kid!